A stranger's composition which I love very much and strangely can relate to,
The water squelched beneath my shoes. The squeaking sound of friction created between the soles of my shoes and the wet ground seemed to interrupt the rhythmic beat of the pitter-pitter of the rain. The rain fell on me like many fingers tapping me all around, all at once. The little tinge of uneasiness that resulted could not shake the thoughts that swum in my head then. A thought that leads to another which led to another that led to yet another thought. I could no longer think straight. Utter confusion attacked me. I caught myself in a trance, entangled in my chain of thoughts. Despite the frenzy, I did nothing. Nothing.
I kept on walking, staring into blank space. My white uniform was translucent, wet and stuck to my skin, revealing deep scars on pale yellowish canvas, my skin, that laid underneath. My skin against the cold rain that have yet to subdue. Randomness leapt into mind, and I said “maybe”. I sighed heavily at the overwhelming usage of the word maybe. Maybe later, honey or maybe not at all. Either that or maybe tomorrow okay? Or even, just maybe. It was always maybes, never once a straight answer.
Nostalgia pervaded the air and I sense its strong presence suffocating me. It was in this moment of reminisce that an image of Mama conjured in my mind. “Mama”, I said with a feeling that was hard to decipher. It bore no meaning, absolutely no sense possessed in the word.
My body jerked. Jerked at the shock. And shock at the presence of pain. Pain that was throbbing on my palm. Palm, which grasped a rose. A stalk of rose with thorns. Thorns that hurt. Hurt was what I felt. Felt also was melancholy that flowed in me. Me? Was I ever in Mama’s thoughts? Thoughts led me back to confusion. Confusion injected in my mind.
The covet for tranquility was strong and I reckoned a look up the sky would help. Dark violet and indigo painted the sky pretty. My vision was fixated on dark yet beautiful nothingness. The clouds parted a bit, revealing the sunshine that hid behind it. Slivers of the brightest yellow managed to cut through the gloomy clouds that dotted the murky sky. A ray of light fell on the beautiful maroon rose with slightly wilted pale pink that outlined the edges that gave the rose a sense of uniqueness. This undeniable exquisiteness played a façade to mask its hurtful factor, thorns. Again, an image of Mama penetrated in my brain.
I thought of the past, the memories that trailed the thought of Mama. Questions bombarded my already puzzled mind. Questions like “What is Mama’s intentions? Is she all right? What about me? Does she even care? Am I invisible?” began to flutter in my head. For once, I thought to myself, I wanted somebody to look into me and not see through me. I heaved a sigh of complete despair and helplessness.
These questions carried heaps of agony. It took me by alarm I could not engulf the misery even after a century of facing it. By that time, dollops of water gathered in my eyes. My vision blurred. I did everything I could to prevent such occurrences like crying to happen for I was dead certain that tears would tear me apart. Albeit, it seemed as if the more I tried, the more questions streamed in my mind, even more the sting that pierced me like a stab in my heart. My left hand tapped my chest area hard. I scrunched my fingers into a fist, causing my shirt to crease. I closed my eyes hard revealing the great sore that I could no longer comprehend. Multiple times I attempted to lighten the sorrow that was overpowering me but always to no avail. When I finally lifted my eyelids, tears began to flow.
The warmth of the tears against my cold, pale face ironically lifted the corners of my lips. I smiled which was rather lopsided. I had found the answer. I then knew effort must be made to delude myself to believe there were hopes for happiness or rather chances to restore elation in me. The immediate reaction was relatively slow, like an action played in a slow motion even as slow as a morgue.
I let go of the rose, letting go of the past, letting go of Mama. I deliberately erased her face from my mind without any hesitation, releasing myself from the entrapment caused by the memories that haunt me till that very moment. I felt lost. Lost and unsure of what to feel to be exact, numb probably. Nonetheless, it was in this state of uncertainty that I felt a sense of belonging. With memories forgotten, I began to see the light.