Endings.

I wrote this on my sketchbook while i was sitting in Ang Mo Kio Mrt. and every single piece of writing in my sketchbook is important and significant to me. 

Dear you-know who,

now i'm waiting. 

Waiting for 17 trains to pass by me. With each one passing, i'll say i love you.

I love you. 

Nothing's real. 

these words don't make sense to me. 

Now, i don't know if i should cry. Or i should laugh it out.

Maybe, well probably, just scream my lungs out so i won't be able to breathe, to live so i'll never see you again.

But all this i didn't do.

For no amount of tears shed would beat the guilt in me. 

For i know, no laughter, would erase the sweet nostalgia of when we were 'together' out of my mind. 

And i didn't scream for i know, no screeching scream would make you hear this misery i've been hiding. 

I'm not slashing my hand either. For i know, no amount of blood collected would be worthy enough for your words. 

I would jump down the platform, or maybe the nearest building but i didn't 

because i know no height would be able to defeat your undying love for me. 

Five trains have passed and i'm still waiting. 

still waiting for my heart to revive. For me to see you. 

Now, even a slight glimpse of you would do me good. Just priceless. 

But no, you're still not here. But i'll wait. I'm giving you time.

 Just eleven more trains to pass by me and i'll be gone.

I love you.

Nothing, still nothing.

No you. No you. No you.

Nothing.

Now isn't that what i am?

I should be nothing.

I WANT to be nothing.

I want to be 'just some girl' not 'the girl'.

I don't deserve such honor.

At least that's better than being something, being somebody to you.

Thus, if that happens, everything that ever happened would never have occurred.

And i'll be just part of your memory.

Just the way it should be.

I love you.

And it'll remain just like that.

You left me, left me with nothing.

You should have said something. 

At least something, please.

I love you.

But you just left. Just left me hanging.

And now you're leaving, giving me no time to explain.

To retrieve my words back. To realize how much you cared. But no, I'm just stupid.

And just plain selfish. I don't want to commit myself to people.

I'm still waiting.

and Once again, you left me hanging.

I've made you feel so many different emotions.

But you left me with

Nothing.

I still love you.

I'm emotionless now. You've gone.

Gone with my emotions packed in your suitcase.

Not i'm left with nothing.

you've gone with the wind.

Not knowing when you'll come and wrap me in your arms again.

FUCKTHIS.

But even if you did come back, would you even want to see me?

Would you even bear witness me cry infront of you?

Oh how wonderful that would be to see myself cry.

At least i have something to celebrate about as i spend the last minutes with you.

I love you.

but is this worthwhile? Is this all a joke? Maybe, a game? 

Sigh, i hope. I really hope, with all my heart that this is just

a dream. A dream i can wake up to.

I'll miss you.

But no, i'm awake and my eyes are open wide. Devastatingly, it's not a dream.

It's reality. 

Now all i see are dark clouds glooming over me.

Even if it rain on me, i wouldn't budge.

I wouldn't leave,

I wouldn't till the seventeenth train comes.

And I'm still waiting.

Oh God, let me feel something. at least let me cry.

Let me just cry till my last breath is exhaled.

NO!

i'm not going to.

I've promised myself and vowed to conquer this.

It's difficult to restore happiness in me.

I'm so useless.

What's left is the guilt you left in me that will never be able to vanish. 

i'm still waiting.

Waiting,

Waiting and

Waiting.

I love you.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

why did i even let you fall in love with me?

why did i even allow you to make me so significant, so different, so special.

I know i'm your biggest stupid mistake yet.

Say that to me you-know-who.

Just say something.

Now that i'm shattered with missing pieces left unconcerned, would you even say i love you to me anymore? 

WOULD YOU?

tell me, would you?

I'm trying dude.

I'm trying my hardest to not give you wrong messages.

But you've made my friendly smile into something so priceless that it actually

meant something to you.

fuck,

But i'm still waiting.

Ten trains have passed. 

And i'm still not squirming nor moving.

Half an hour have passed.

i love you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for letting you go.

I'm sorry for allowing you to love me.

I'm sorry i've let you fall for me.

I'm sorry i used to keep a special place for you in my heart.

I'm sorry i've ever talk to you.

I'm sorry you've even met me.

I'm sorry i lost everything.

I'm sorry, really.

the eleventh has come and will go soon. 

Just like you.

It will go, never to return.

You'll open the doors of your heart for me.

But i'll just stay here ignoring your presence.

And you'll just leave and continue with your journey.

I love you.

Cause if you wait for me other people wouldn't get to see you. 

Won't get to feel the greatness in yourself.

depression. is. a. very. weird. feeling.

Now forget me

Please?

I beg of you.

that's the only way you can be happy.

and that's what i want you to be.

I want you to be happy and i don't want you to be miserable.

I know it's hard dude.

I'm struggling too.

I love you.

I don't want our friendship/relationship change your views on other girls.

Trust me, other girls are better than me.

and you deserve better coz i definitely don't deserve you.

You're almost perfect. But

I'm almost dying in agony.

The twelfth train have passed.

and the twelfth i love you have been said.

Still nothing gained, but i'll still keep on waiting.

Forget me okay?

You deserve better.

I'm just a girl who doesn't deserve to be in your presence.

There are way more girls in the world who are willing to do anything just to feel you in their arms.

It's okay if you leave me, i'm fine with it.

I'll get my dose of karma and you'll be your happy self again.

CHEERS

cries of exultation.

Let go of me.

Let me bear this pain in solitary.

Like what i've made you feel. Like what i've made you struggle.

the misery inside of me is screaming for help,

For a friendly gesture from you.

At least a goodbye.

Just something, anything.

so i can have a sweet memory of you.

a mere hug?

at least that?

lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove

Now i'm giving up.

With the thirteenth train passing.

I'm going to leave.

Leave you with the last goodbye,

I can't bear this anymore.

I'm hurting, hurting so much.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I'm going to leave you with thirteen iloveyous as i bade goodbye.

I'm yearning for you. Your last gentle touch.

But you left me with nothing.

Just maybe a faint smile.

So here i go,

with every step taken, the guilt grows. and you'll be in my heart just as a friend.

Now i'm telling you the truth.

I love you as a friend/a brother/my confidante.

but nothing else.

I wouldn't want to make you feel like you're in seventh heaven with my words 

coz that'll be just lies.

that make you happy.

But when you scribble out the truth in my lies 

you'll be overwhelmed with sadness that would be difficult to comprehend.

and i don't want that to occur.

so i'm telling you now.

I love you dude.

without a doubt, i'll miss you.

And you have my word for that. 

Does it still matter?

nothing said would relieve you from this agony right? i don't want to stay anymore. 

I want to be just a nothing.

But i still love you.

Love,

Myra.

p/s. i did wait for seventeen trains. Even tho it hurts for me, i still waited. I waited for more than an hour. I waited. I actually waited even tho i was more than an hour late. That's how much i actually care. Iloveyou(: