This morning passed real slow. Minutes passed, hours passed, days passed, weeks passed all in that same morning. Golly, it seems like I've put my mind on mute. I don't think anymore. I just do things on impulse without any forms of thinking. Sense doesn't seem to make sense at all. Everything I say now doesn't seem right. Words that comes out from my mouth seem to hurt like blades. My memory is evaporating. I feel like I'm not doing my job, whatever it is. I feel like I'm not living my life the way I wanted to. Like, I'm living my life in doubts. I feel really disappointed. My sadness seems to fluctuate. Comes and goes away. Why not just not come and stay away? God, I feel sick. It's not the first time I've disappointed someone. It's like now I have no one to hold to. Like I really don't have anyone I can say my mind out. There's always that cautious feeling that makes me build that barrier, disabling myself to be myself. The Midyears here and I'm not even bothered by it. It's like I'm repeating my mistakes. I have two sides of myself. Both always at loggerheads, with opposing ideas. And what I do is just shut myself out and listen to others. Listen to the noise. Get sucked in by the surroundings. Make my own mind invisible. Make me a nonentity. I know I don't listen to others, advices I mean. But what's worse is not listening to myself. Not making second thoughts about this step I'm taking. I don't know what to do anymore. But what I know is I'm enveloping myself with my insecurities for god knows what reasons. I've become so self-conscious, so perceptive and just so fucking judgmental that I've forgotten what it's like being a kid anymore, being myself, being a being. As a matter of fact, I forgot what is happiness.
If I were to read this on a friend's blog, i'll say, "Serious shit dude, you need to take a break. A coma probably, to let your mind unwind and straighten out your thinking." But it's not a friend that's writing this, it's me. And I don't listen to myself. fuuuuuuck, i pity myself.
I hope an evening at town would help. Shit, I need an ambulance for my head.